Yoga, to most people, helps them relax and unwind after a stressful day. Being a former cheerleader and ballerina, you would think that yoga would be the perfect activity for me to participate in. Below are the reasons why that assumption is horribly wrong.
1- I have raging ADHD
All day I am sitting at a desk, or sitting in a meeting, or sitting on the phone...the only time I'm standing is if I'm waiting behind the fat chick in line at Dunkin Donuts who is pointing out her 2 dozen assortment specifications. All in all, my day isn't exactly that stimulating. Keeping that in mind, what's the first thing you do in yoga? YUP. Effing sit there. Depending on the teacher, this can last up to five minutes. You are supposed to "be still and focus on your breath". However, while everyone else is picturing beautiful, blowing fields of grass, I am picturing myself sprinting through that grass like a mad woman. Perhaps participating in some kind of relay race or competition. Maybe I will be picturing myself in an intense foam dance party...the possibilities are endless.
After the sitting and breathing sh*t is over I'm usually ok until the very end. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. The "dead body pose" or "svasana" or "lie on your back and don't move" or, what I like to call it, "be forced to remain motionless and stuck in a room longer when the class is freaking over, Family Guy starts in 15 minutes, and you have a wedgie". This is awful. You know what's more awful? If you are lucky enough to get one of those hands on teachers that comes around and tries to force your shoulders or your face to relax. Sorry, but I'm not interested in being forced to relax...nor am I too into you touching my face after you just had your hands on some other person's sweaty back. Sick.
2- I have absolutely no good intentions when I'm working out.
This is apparently a yoga philosophy. They are forever telling us to have good intentions and let go of negative feelings or thoughts. Let's bring back that field imagery again. If I picture a beautiful field on a gorgeous day, do you know what pops into my head? Get tan and day drink. On the other hand, when I think of that beyotch a couple cubicles over who is always judging me when I order Chipotle delivery, a different message pops up: work out harder and get skinnier than her.
At this point I am not working out to achieve some sort of spiritualness or whatever. I'm pretty sure that God would still like me even if I was a fat@$$ considering that's kind of his job. I am working out because I want to have a hot body that will make other girls jealous so they stay the f*ck away from my boyfriend.
3- Hip Stretching
This is very yoga specific, but it has also been an issue for me ever since my ballerina days...NO FREAKING HIP STRETCHES. Having "open" hips does nothing for anyone except for maybe make it easier for you to cowgirl ride a fat guy.
Speaking of fatties at yoga class, I think this is the time to incorporate them. The fatties always looooove the hip stretches. Wanna know why? Its because they have all this extra blubber that pushes their joints apart and more weight on top to push them down. I'm not a doctor or anything but that sounds like it makes wayyyyy too much sense to not be true. I'm sorry this one REALLY makes me mad. They will be like "OMG Darcy this feels soooo good" while I'm in the front with my hip sockets on fire. Yeah. I bet you and Darcy love this pose. That's great. You know what else you should love? Running 4 miles a day...because sitting in a hip stretch isn't doing anything but improving your non-existant sex life.
4- Michael Scott's "That's what she said!" and me being too immature to control myself.
The other week my semi-cute yoga instructor was leaning over me with one hand on my hip and one hand on my inner thigh pushing me into a stretch (yes a HIP stretch. vomit). What does he say when he's inches away from my face and pretty much on top of me? "Let me know if this gets too intense for you and I'll stop." GOOD. LORD. How can I be expected to keep a straight face during that?
Not only that but yoga is full of descriptions like "now slowly thrust your hips upward" and "you should feel some pressure but if its painful don't go as deep". Combinations of this stuff can be enough to push someone like me over the edge. More than twice I have had to fake coughing fits and remove myself because I couldn't stop laughing.
After months of trying, I have decided that yoga just isn't for me. I'm sure a lot, if not all, of the stuff I have written in the above list doesn't bother most people...and that's fine. This blog isn't about you, its about me. Just be wary that plopping your fat@$$ into pigeon pose can be offensive to others.
